


Letting go

by Kitsu63



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Gen, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, In a way, Mako-centric, Sickness, Unreliable Narrator, Whump, dealing with feeling is hard, very much unreliable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:55:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26798440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitsu63/pseuds/Kitsu63
Summary: Mako's sick. He has been sick for a long time. And when left alone he spirals down, not realizing the crash might take everyone else with him.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

Bolin is all grown up.

The realization hit Mako like a trainwreck.

Bolin is grown up. He doesn't need him anymore. He doesn't need his constant protection, his neverending vigilance, his mother-henning. He doesn't need his control-freak of a brother. And he certainly does not want to be coddled anymore.

A recognized pro-bender, a successful actor. Why would he need a fuck-up like Mako. The realization should be jarring. Mako feels like he ought to feel something, anything.

There is only ashes.

Ashes, it's all that's left of him, all that's left in him and Mako suddenly realizes how cold he feels. He is bereft of emotions. Empty. His parent's death killed him; the only reason he survived... is an adult now.

Finally.

He can let go.

Deep inside, a part of him is ashamed of how he treated Asami. There aren't any excuses really. She was rich, and a way to give Bolin a better life. If Mako had to play loverboy in order to do so... well, it was hardly the worst sin on his list. He hadn't expected the Avatar. He had not expected Korra to come blazing into his life, burning through all his defenses and nearly rekindling what was left of his fire. She would have succeeded too. Had Bolin not burst into tears at their sight, she might have revived him.

But embers die when drown out.

Bolin had cried, and what was left of Mako's soul had been smothered.

There isn't much pain in truth. Barely a tingling in his wrists. Mako wonders if the cuts are deep enough, if he'll loose enough blood. It doesn't really matter in the end. If blood loss doesn't take him, the burning inferno of what was once their home will. It is only justice. He should have died with his parents, all those years ago.

There is no letter. To what end? What could he say? That he is sorry? He'll never have the words to express how sorry he is, nothing he can say to make it better for Bolin.

He is sorry Korra kissed him. He is sorry he kissed her back, sorry for all the times he ignored his little brother, for all the hurt and hunger and fear. For the cold nights and empty stomachs. For all he couldn't do. He is sorry he took their parents away from them.

If only he had not ask for a trip to the pet shop.

He only wanted to see the fire ferrets.

It is all his fault. It was his fault all along.

Mako wishes for the fire to swallow him whole, to consume him the way it consumed his father and mother. He is light-headed, he closes his eyes. Somewhere, far, there is a burning sensation on his skin.

He welcomes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never though I'd ever write something on Avatar, no matter how much I love both The Last Airbender and Legend of Korra. And yet, here I am.  
> I love Mako's character, as an older sibling myself I was always interested the way they tend to be represented in the media.  
> I hope you like it! and sorry if there is any spelling mistake, I'm unbetaed.


	2. Chapter 2

Korra wakes to a screeching sound and a scream on her lips. The moment she opens her eyes it stops, leaving a haunting echo in her skull. It sounds like a woman's lament, like a gut-wrenching agony.

_My baby!_

It terrifies her.

A name is on the tip of her tongue. Aname she isn't sure she truly heard.

Mako!

She feels like she's just been punched in the stomach. Bile crawls up her throat and if she wasn't so spirits-damned terrified she'd throw up! She leaves Air Temple Island without a second thought, without looking back. Not taking the time to dress or leave a note for Tenzin.

She jumps on Naga and together they run and run and run.

*

The whole Probending Arena, or what's left of it, is ablaze when she arrives. Cops and firefighters are swarming the place, trying to stop her but no one know what she knows. Mako is in there!

Korra propels herself, elements submitting to her will. She carves her way with water and fire. Dousing flames on her right, mastering those on her left. She dodges falling beams, steps over rubbles and melting piles of wrought iron. High over her head she hears glass shatters and a thousand shards rains on her. This is no small thing. The place is turning in one huge hellfire.

When she finds him she can't bring herself to look at him. She grasps his arm, heaves him on her back and fights her way out of the crumbling beast the attic has become. She is struggling to even use her waterbending.

Once outside she can't be pried away from him. Yet, she is afraid to turn her gaze towards him. Medics come between them and she can hear is the panic in their voice. Or is it in her head?

She suddenly wonders. Has someone call Bolin?

*

Bolin arrives at the hospital in the same state of disarray than Korra, Tenzin on his heels. In wrinkled sleep clothes, hairs sticking out, not completely with the rest of the world yet. His voice is small, and breaks when he adresses her.

"News?"

He seems ready to lose it, unanchored. Korra fears he is going to drown. She shakes her head, as much in the dark as him. All she can focus on is the way Mako's flesh felt under her hand, melting.

Asami runs through the doors and makes a beeline for them. Whe she sees her, so prim and proper, not a hair out of place despite the terrible situation they are all in, Korra feels foolishly jealous. As if the idea of Mako in the hospital is not enough to strip her of her poise. Then she chastises herself, ashamed at her own reaction. Asami's steel core is showing through and Korra just wishes she was as strong as her. As it is, the only thing she does is burst into tears.

She wants to forget tonight! Forget the smell, and heat and pain. Forget the fear and the stomach-churning sensation of Mako's skin melting. Through her tears she realizes a doctor has come out and is speaking to Lin and Tenzin and she suddenly wonders what the Chief of Police is doing here? And why is that doctor talking to her rather than Bolin? There are heavy frowns on the three adults' faces and she visceraly wants to know what they are talking about! An ugly feeling rises from deep within her, growing hot and pulsing in the bottom of her stomach. They are hiding something!

She wrenches herself out of Asami's comforting arms and marches towards them, teeth gritted, aggression oozing from every pores.

"What. Is. Going. On. Here?" she ashes out, a finger on the doctor's chest. "Why are you talking to them?! Bolin's his family! What are you HIDING?!"

The walls tremble under her fury, earth answering to her temper, then everything goes eerily silent. The waterbender looks at her but it is Lin who answers her question and it chills her to the core.

"That fire was no accident Korra. And we have good reasons to believe Mako was the one to set it off."


	3. Chapter 3

Bolin sits by his brother's side in an altered state. One of Mako's hand is clasped in his and for the first time in their life he sees how much bigger his own hands are. Mako was all lean muscles and wiry strength. Mako was not enough food and too much strength of will, a rock in the spirits-damn rollercoaster of their life.

Now, Bolin wonders if he willingly blinded himself to his brother's struggles. Was there a moment in their life when he willingly turned his head awway from Mako's pain?

Bolin stares at the still form lying on the bed. Amidst the _whiish_ and _whoosh_ of the medical equipment he can hear his own breath, but not Mako's. His hand tightens on the frail digits, his thumb searching for that place on Mako's wrist where he can feel the beat of his heart.

The door opens behind him and Korra comes in.

"Hey... how are you holding up?"

He doesn't answer, barely acknowledges her presence. His gaze never leaving his brother's bandafed form. Mako's mutilated body flashes back in his mind, extensive burns and deep wounds plagues his memory.

He finds himself whishing he was alone. It had always been only him and his brother and right now, he really _really_ doesn't want to share Mako. He wants to be able to cry without wondering if someone is going to see him and try to offer platitudes. He wants his big brother all to himself. Like before. Like it used to be.

Annoyance starts to swell in his breast when Korra doesn't take the hint, a flush creeps up his neck and he tenses up.

Mako's chest rises and falls evenly, unbothered for once by what is happening around him.

"So, I've been talking to the doctors. They have all those therapy pamphlets about reeducation programs and joint-bending treatments for people suffering from burn injuries. Something to do with the number of burn injuries and disabled warriors after the end of the Hundred Years War and the collaboration between the Fire Nation and the Water Tribes. And they said he could start seeing a therapist too! Once he is awake. That they have people here, specialized in the mind. He can start with one session and then see what he needs..."

Bolin cuts off her rambling, uncharacteristically cynical and bitter.

"And how do you think we'll pay for it? We don't have the money Korra. Do you have any idea of the price of a room here? Or an hour of our esteemed doctor's time? We don't have any insurance, nor do we have a medical cover. All we had, we lost it in the mess that the pro-bending final became! No winners, no money. I can't pay for tonight and what they did was necessary to Mako's survival! I can't even pay for my brother's life! Even less for a prolonged treatment or a damn reeducation program because WE. DON'T. HAVE. ANY. MONEY!"

A hurt and tense silence follows his outburst. Korra looks at him with a betrayed expression, so terribly seventeen and vulnerable in that moment and if. Only. She. Could. Leave.

It's unfair, Bolin thinks, gritting his teeth. This whole mess is unfair. How is he supposed to handle any of this? How did Mako do it all these years? He can't be responsible for his brother's well-being. He doesn't know the first thing about hidden suicidal tendencies. He is so **angry**. At everyone. At Korra, who just had the unfortunate idea of standind here when he absolutely could not take it. At Mako, for doing this to him, to all of them. At the whole world, at all those who could not see or did not care enough to see that his brother was struggling.

At himself, for not looking at what was in front of him. For not realizing how frail his brother's shoulders where, to carry the weight of their world.

And he feels so, **so** guilty. He wants to take back every little reproaches, every petty comments he ever threw at Mako. Is it somehow his fault his brother decided to end himself by fire? Was there a moment, in their life, where he wounded Mako so much that his brother never recovered?

How come he did not see his pain?

Tears finally fall, unrestrained. Loud, ugly sobs coming from the deepest part of his body.

He wants his big brother!

For the first time, Mako is deaf to his pleas.


	4. Chapter 4

Korra's heart breaks when Bolin starts wailing.

She is no good at grief, never was. She backs away, inching closer and closer to the door in a desperate move to escape but once outside... she feels like the worst coward in the world.

Avatar Aang would never have abandon his friends in their time of need.

Her cheeks burn from the shame and her throat is so tight she can't swallow.

She'd never bothered to understand what Mako's and Bolin's poverty meant. They had always find a way to make due. She hadn't stop to think about how many jobs Mako was running or how little food he sometimes brought back on the table. She hadn't care enough to look at worn-thin clothes, the too often sewn back together shirts and ratty pants. She wonders now. How much of Mako's temper is just who he is and how much is exhaustion?

She's never felt so ashamed of how many things she took for granted, of how much she's been given and never even said "thank you" for. She is ashamed of how much Tnezin and his family can afford without even handling money. The injustice of it all is like a slap in the face. Why were some of them given so much when no one could extend a mere hand towards kids like Bolin and Mako must have been?!

She feels... so disgustingly privileged!

She is trembling, badly, barely holding it together. The idea that if - **_once_** \- Mako wakes up he'll be send back home, left out in the cold with no aftercare and in debt because he can't pay for his treatment enrages her. She doesn't register Tenzin's presence before his hands are on her shoulders. Worry creases the lines of his face a little bit more than usual and the free care he shows her rubs Korra the wrong way. She feels like screaming.

"Korra are you okay? What is it?"

"Who's paying for this?" she asks in a brittle tone.

"What?" Tenzin shares a confused look with Chief Beifong and she is this close to loose it.

"Who. Is. Taking. Care. Of. Mako's. Hospital. Bill?" she elaborates through gritted teeth, agression pourring out of her at every words.

"Well, I don't know. I guess some of it will be part of the standard care procedure but as of the rest, your friend will have to cover it u..."

Un-fucking-believable;

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" she suddenly hollers, startling them, drawing Asami's and half the staff's attention towards them. She could not care less. Anger's ok, she knows anger. She know how to use it, how to fuel herself with it, it burns hot and bright within her and she is not letting go of the raw, hot ball of fury inside her.

Chief Beifong's talk about rules and why they are in place and why they must be respected could not come at the worst moment.

Korra grits her teeth and squares her shoulders, readying herself for the fight. Then she smiles an ugly smile, all sharp teeth and burning hatred.

"Ok. You know what. I quit."

At first there is only confusion on their faces.

"What? Korra what are you talking about? Quitting what?"

"The Avatar's job, isn't that obvious? I'm like, not payed at all to save everyone and anyone and keep the balance and whatsnot. I mean, why should I bother? What do I get out of it? Glory, recogniition? Sure, that's nice, but that's not money. And if I'm hurt and I need to be healed, if I need a therapist, or a consultant you know, if I just need to eat... I need money. And I don't see money. Who's gonna pay for me, my friends? The two guys who couldn't afford to rent more than an attic? Yeah, sure. Why not the people we've saved? This whole fucked up place and its fucked up people who couldn't be assed to help them even when they fought for them all!!"

At this she makes a show of the place, her rants fully fledge by now.

"The Avatar gets a free pass at everything because it's the Avatar but for the rest of the crew it's pay or die?!! Fuck you! And fuck the rest of the world, if that's the way people are going to treat each other they don't need me! So the deal's easy you know, either someone take care of Mako's expenses or I'm done!"

All hell breaks loose at her declaration. Tenzin and Chief Beifong are furious. " _What are you saying?!" "How dare you use your duty like a cheap bargaining tool?"_ , the members of the medical staff around them don't seem to know what to do with themselves and if they should believe the teenage Avatar. _"Is she serious?"_ Worry and frustration erupts from every corners of the room. Asami's sweet voice is the only one that is making sense in this chaos " _Korra if money is the problem you know I'll be more than happy to help."_ But Korra doesn't want Asami to be the solution to all their troubles. She wants the Spritis-damned **adults** in the room to start taking their responsibilities!

"Enough!"

Lin Beifong's voice echoes through the place and silence falls once more. "I think we all need to calm down. We are all hurt and very tired. Let's put tonight behind us and we will talk more about this tomorrow." She stops Korra before she can launch another tirade. "We can't make promises or give you anyhting out of thin air and your friend will still be here tomorrow. Wether or not he and his brother can pay, no one here is going to just throw them out whe he has yet to wake up. Think what you want girl, but no one here is a heartless bastard. They're all doing what they can with what they have."

Korra feels like she should push more, but she knows when not to pick certain battles. She glowers at them, wrathful, but say nothing more.


	5. Chapter 5

He wakes to a suprisingly cooling sensation.

His eyesight is all fuzzy and bandages on the right side of his face blocks his vision but he knows enough to recognize a waterbender at work. The woman is old, and definitely not dressed in hospital scrubs. Her garb reminds him of Korra.

He flinches in surprise when another pair of hands enters his vision, and those are General Iroh's hands, moving up and down his face. A warm sensation follows his movement, then a cold one. As if the General was absorbing the fire laying dormant beneath his skin.

" Oh good, you're awake."

Mako nods.

"We are having another healing session with you but we should be done soon. We will inform your brother and your friends as soon as we are out."

The woman smiles kindly at him without stopping her work and something nags at the back of Mako's head but everything is still so **muddled**. He admires the practiced ease with which she acts. It speaks of years of training and pushing forward, and the patience to wait for things to mature and come to fruition. It is easier to marvel at her mastery than to think about why she is here.

He did not intend to survive.

General Iroh's hands fly over his right side and he startles once more. The hand stills and he truly looks at Mako for the first time.

"My apologies, did I startle you?"

Heat blooms across Mako's face and he averts his gaze. He clears his parched throat to answer him, and promptly goes into a painful coughing fit. Fire awaken in every parts of his body, the pain terrible enough to make him cry out. "Easy, easy" he hears, and the burning sensation recedes a bit. He tries once more to speak and finally manages to get something out.

"It's... the feeling."

He tries to explain, really, feeling pretty lame but Iroh seems to understand.

"Ah yes. First time you experience firebending healing, huh? Pretty weird, especially for another firebender. Feels like your very own flame wants to jump out of your skin."

It is... remarkably accurate. Looks like the General had to go through the experience himself.

"My grandfather invented this. Or, well, the principle anyway. After witnessing the way the Fire Nation was using its bending skills and his training with the Sun Warriors he starded to question just how much of our abilities had been lost to the war and its propaganda. He was very smart, and driven. He wished to see how much good firebending could do. He assembled scholars and doctors and had them work with the Dai Li and the Water Tribes to find new bending techniques or uncover lost ones."

The history lesson is soothing. And the General's work reminds him of cold nights in back alleys and healing Bolin's small hurts. He had been a natural at that, even when he struggled to conjure fire. But he had never seen anyone else using firebending in such a way and he'd thought himself weird, abnormal once more. He'd thought that, maybe, his parent's murder had damaged him even more than he believed it to be possible.

He tenses again when the hands move down to his inner thighs, his breathing speeding up even though he tries not to show it. The General stops.

"Are you uncomfortable? I am afraid we do not have any other trained firebender healer with us but I can stop and leave it to Master Katara if you prefer?"

Ah, so this is who the kind, old lady is. Mako suddenly remembers seeing her when he had follow Korra to the Pole.

"No, it's... not that." He answers.

He doesn't know if the General has mistaken his unwillingness with the fact that he is a man, or a firebender, but truth is, Mako just doesn't like to be touched there. Too risky, too vulnerable. It's soft flesh and intimates parts. If he had his way there would never be hands there, ever.

He didn't even want to be saved.

But Mako knows he is outnumbered here, knows when to pick his battles and he is not going to win that one. He crunches his eyes shut and turn his head to the side, distancing himself. He grits his teeth.

"Go ahead."

How is he going to explain this to Bolin? It wasn't supposed to go like that. He should have died. He wants to die. He misses Iroh worried gaze.

Over his tense form a Fire Nation General and a Water Tribe Master healer exchanged a concerned frown.

*

When they get out of the young man's room and share the news of his waking tension finally seems to drain from the group waiting outside.

Tears appears in some faces, relief in others but Iroh still have that disturbed expression and Katara knows what he is thinking about. Even she, with her waterbending, could feel that something was off in the young man they've just treated.

Her son comes up to her for news while the children embark in an impromptu party right there and then, bouncing of the walls and jumping at each other. Amidst the mayhem she spies the earthbender sneaks into his brother's room.

Iroh sighs deeply beside her, pained concern written on his face. His next words strike her.

"His flame is fading. There is no passion left in him, no love for life. His fire has been smothered. I suspect he has been dying for a long time now."

Tenzin's shock is visible on his face. Days in and out of the hospital has left him raw and open, easy to read.

"I have never heard of such a thing in firebenders."

"That's because it is rare. Firebenders are linked to life in a very intimate way. The dying of one's flame is nearly unheard of. That man needs a mind therapist. We might be able to heal his body, but if he doesn't get help soon it will all be for nothing."

"So it's that bad..."

'You haven't seen his scars Master Tenzin, and you haven't felt how little warmth there is left in him. If you have him released without psychological care he will find another way to end it. Right now he does not want to live."

Katara remembers Zuko's struggles with his insecurities and depression, and she remembers him talking about firebenders' Inner Flame. In their youth he had tossed many an idea at her, it had been a way for them both to understand each other capabilities and it was out of those brainstorming session that Joint-healing had been created. They'd had quite a few of those together, then with other healers and benders. What they had achieved had been incredible, and had reinforced the bond between the Fire Nation and the Southern Water Tribe. Unfortunately, Republic City did not have people specialized in such techniques. No one here realized the impact of a dying Flame and the psychological troubles both causing and coming from the fading. It was one terrible and vicious circle.

Fo all its talk about acceptance and variety, Republic City was incredibly ingnorant of its people's legacies. And with a terrible history of segregation.

"I would like to bring him back to Air Temple Island with me. I feel like keeping him here, in the city, will only do more harm than good. This place has to be full of painful memories. And there is the problem of his and his borther's finances. Back home I can have access to qualified healers who won't charge him for their care but here... I am afraid I can only do so much."

"He is not ready to travel yet. He only just woke up and as long as there is a risk of infection I would not recommend moving him. But I beleive his burns are something Master Katara and I can deal with, that is, if you are willing to do so in my company my lady" finishes Iroh, turning towards her with a small bow and a smile.

"I will stay as long as I am needed but, Tenzin, his borther lives here. He might not want to follow you."

The spirits knew how stubborn these firenbeders could be!

"I know mother, but I would still like to offer him the option. I would feel much better if I knew there was someone with him. He can hardly escape everyone's attention on the island."

Katara smiles at the care in her son's voice. It looked like young Mako had found himself an ally after all.


	6. Chapter 6

Bolin frowns at his coffee cup, eyebrows scrunched up together as he stirs the dark liquid in an agitated way. Even days after it, his brother's lack of reaction upon coming back to the land of the living disturbs him greatly.

Oh yes! Mako had said all the right things, all the reassurances Bolin wanted to hear. He had let him cry on his shoulder, had feebly patted his head and told him everything was okay. But there had been such an emptiness in his voice, and his hug had felt like a mechanical travestite of those he used to give him.

And he had refused to talk about what he had done, refused to give any justification for his actions. Mako had retreated into a stubborn silence and refused to meet his brother's eyes. Faint tremors had started to appear in his hands and Bolin had cut off his rant, frightened he had pushed his - definitely - unstable brother too far.

He just... he just wanted to understand.

What had pushed Mako to such an extreme measure?

He sighs once more, drains his cold coffee in one go and stands up, intending to go back to his brother's room. It has been nearly an hour since one of the hospital's mind therapist had come to have a first talk with Mako and he figures they must be done by now. The only voice he hears when arriving is the street-accented brogue of his brother but the direction the conversation has taken stops him in his tracks. He stands in front of the door, frozen by the weight of the self-loathing he hears in Mako's voice.

 _"...bastard,_ _disgusting mutt, freak, thief, streetrat, half-breed, stupid whore, pet, filthy cur, rabbid beast, firebender scum, waste of space, jerk, frigid bitch, gold-digger"_ a pause, then a whisper _"brother-betrayer"_

Mako's voice is so cold, so devoid of any kind of love. The person sitting in that hospital bed is not the brother Bolin knows.

_Brother-betrayer_

Oh gods... Oh gods! Bolin is going to be sick!

He said this. After all Mako had done for him. _I hate you, you jerk_ _!_ He can tates the coffee coming back in his throat. He had called Mako a jerk, he told him he was cold-hearted and now there was no warmth left in his brother.

_Oh for the love of! You're such a frigid bitch!_

Hasook had called Mako a bitch. He'd had his hands on Mako's waist and when Bolin had walked into the training room Mako had been trying to get out of the waterbender's arms. A _nd I said no fucker!_

Who had called his brother a whore? Who had compared him to an animal? Who had reduced him to his mixed heritage? _Gold-digger_. That one had to be for Asami.

Bile crawls up his throat. He is never eavesdropping ever again! He gest up, rushes of to the first toilet available, where he proceeds to dry-heave for a few minutes. He feels disgusting and disgusted. He wants to hurt himself. He wants to hurt someone!

Someone is talking to him but Bolin can't hear over the buzzing in his ears. He is both cold hand hot. His head feels like cotton-whool. He can't stop shaking.

When he comes to, he is sitting on the cold bathroom floor, his back supported by a strong chest and his breathing starts to sync itself with the person helping him. A deep voice his murmuring in his ears. Bolin feels himself calming down, he squirms a bit in his savior's embrace, embarassed by his reaction.

_Get out you filthy cur! Damn streetrats!_

His breath itches. He has to make a conscious effort not to drown back in memories and guilt.

Once calmer he is surprised by the voice speaking to him.

"Feeling any better?"

General Iroh is rubbing Bolin's back like it is standard procedure for a Prince of the Fire Nation to sit on a public bathroom floor and comfort a teenage commoner from Republic City. He stutters.

"Ye-yeah."

Iroh helps him stand up. He keeps a hand on Bolin's shoulder when he dusts himself and, after a particularly strong sniffle, hands him a handkerchief.

"Thank you."

"Are you going to be ok?" The naked concern on Iroh's face is nearly enough to send Bolin back to weeping. But he has cried enough already, he has to step up now, has to take charge. For Mako's sake. He furiously rubs his eyes before answering.

"Yes, I'm ok. I'm good."

"Did... did something happen?" Bolin flushes.

"Oh! Hum... no-nothing. Nothing really." The General looks at him for a long moment - long enough to be awkward - before seemingly coming to a decision.

"Bolin, how much do you know about the way Master Katara and I are treating your brother right now?"

"Hum... Not much really. I mean, water and fire have never been my thing you know. I know your kind of healing is different from that of Master Katara?"

"Yes, very much so. And quite special when used on other firebenders. There is a reason we say that fore comes from the breath. Our power, our fire is as necessary to life as our breath. It is a part of our self. If it dies, we die with it."

Bolin feels coldness seeping in his bones, fear gaining him.

"Is there a reason you are telling me this?"

"I think you know very well what I am trying to say. Your brother is in need of a lot of help right now. You'll have to be strong and you have to understand what is at stake to be so. But, you can do this Bolin. Be a rock, be the foundation your brother needs."

Bolin sniffles, and nods. He can do that. He'll be rock, a pillar or a doormat if he must. He'll be whatever Mako damn well needs him to be! It is the least he can do.


	7. Chapter 7

Two weeks after his admission Mako takes a turn for the worst. Iroh's fears are confirmed by one of the healer on duty. Infection has set in.

Fever wracks the young man's frame and he starts hallucinating. After a first terrible night full of screaming and begging for dead or vanished people the healers decide to keep him heavily drugged while they fight to bring him back to health. Mako is moved to the sterile area to ward off other potential threats to his health and they ban any non-healer from the room. After having witnessed his brother closing in on himself since his awakening, Bolin is now forbidden to even reach out to him in a physical way. The only thing he is allowed is to watch him through a glass window as Mako twists and turns on a medical bed, lost in the throes of one of his nightmares, isolated from any human contact.

He watches Mako cries for their parents' forgiveness in a delirious breakdown until he can't take it anymore. Still, he keeps his vigil, he won't abandon his brother. Korra, Asami and he have now developed a very performant shift schedule if he does say so himself. They relay each other days and nights and between Korra's Avatar status and Asami's influence they manage to get a special permission for Bolin to stay after visiting hours (no one says anything when Korra starts doing the same).

General Iroh and Master Katara work on Mako tirelessly and on the fourth day his fever finally breaks. At the end of the week the healers pronunce him sufficiently healthy to move him back to a normal room.

Visitors are strictly limited but Bolin is allowed back at his brother's side.

Bolin really wants to tell his brother he can't do that to him, that Bolin needs him, that he is always going to need his big brother ut he is so, **so** afraid to hurt Mako even more, to guilt him into doing what Bolin wants.

General Iroh and the mind therapist had both make it very clear to him that for Mako to get better he has to want it on a deep personnal level. Not for anyone else's sake. Mako has to find a reason within himself.

When the visitors ban is completely removed Bolin is surprised by the sheer number of people willing to come and see Mako. There are, of course, Korra and Asami, with whom he is pretty much living as of right now. When they are not all pilling up at the hospital, Asami's flat is the closest place for them to grap a few hours of sleep and take a quick shower. Master Tenzin has also barely left the hospital since they first brought Mako in, and Chief Beifong finds an excuse every once in a while to drop by and see how everything is going on for them.

Toza had come once or twice, even though he had never like hospitals, and Bolin heard from Master Tenzin that the children wanted to see Mako too. The only reason they haven't come yet is because their father does not wish to subject Mako to their rambunctious tendencies (Bolin thinks Master Tenzin is not quite ready to subject them to both Mako's physical and mental state either, but he says nothing).

To Bolin's dismay, quite a few probenders stops by too, as well as some guys from the power plant and one or two coworkers from Mako's days as kitchen staff. It seems... his brother has touched so many people...

Bolin doesn't say anything about the children. Gaunt waifs in ripped clothes and barefoot. They come and go as they please, the medical staff not being any the wiser at how they seem to always find a way to sneak into the building. Kids from the streets, coming in and out of Mako's room at the oddest hours of the day (and night), faster than a falcon swooping on its prey. Some only take a peek, others stays for a few minutes. The kind of kids they used to be. Wild, untamed but oh so very loyal once they've been given a reason. Bolin wonders about their relationship with Mako. What bound them to his brother? Some he remembers seeing around the arena, and he can easily imagine Mako giving them scraps. But others he has never seen.

He finds one of the kids in Mako's bed one day. He is pretty it isn't the first one either, or the first time because he catches Iroh explaining to Mako why he can't let them climb in with him, the risk it poses with his type of injuries but Mako is nothing if not stubborn. He is not going to deprive a child of a bed when he can safely get one.

His brother seems flummoxed by the sudden onslaught of attention, not quite sure of what to do with it all. There is a naked surprise one his face at each and every visit, a vulnerability that is painful to watch. As if Mako believes he is not worth the attention and thus does not expect it. Bolin wishes he could hammer into his brain that he is worth it and so much more, that he is worth the moon and the sea and every stars in bettween. Instead, he hopes some of those visits will open Mako's eyes to the truth. He hopes Mako will see how many people he has touched in his life, and how much he mattered to them.

Right now hope is all he has.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one can be difficult for sensitive people, as Mako get pretty self-insulting. Sensitive people beware

The healers tell him he will be released at the end of the week. They are not giving him a clean bill of health yet but it seems Master Tenzin convinced them that he would have access to the best of cares if left to him. His last bout of fever dating from a few weeks ago, the infection that tormented him completely treated and Iroh's and Master Katara's testimony on his state certainly help their decision.

Although moving is still a hardship, and Mako has yet to see a physical therapist Iroh has come to him in the last days to inform him of his decision to ask for another firebender healer and therapists specialized in burn injuries to make their way toward Air Temple island.

Mako doesn't know how to feel about that. He doesn't how to feel about a lot of things if he is to be honest.

Air Temple island, for a start, is a location he did not choose. Bolin entered his room one day to tell him he was taking a break from his acting career and that him and Mako would be moving to the island for the rest of his recovery.

Why was such a decision taken in his name, he does not know. What he knows is that bolin made it perfectly clear he did not have a say in the matter. And... well... Mako was already such a burden. How could he say anything against him?

Instead he keeps his mouth shut and let his brother do the planning this time. For a moment then, he thought Bolin had looked... pained not to see him react to his declaration , but he averted his eyes and refused to look at his little brother's face. For fear of what he would find there.

Spirits, what a coward!

_What need would I have of you boy? You streetrats are nothing but a waste of space!_

That merchant had been right about him. But Bolin is not a waste of space. Bolin has got talent! He could go so far if he did not have a fucked up older brother to weight him down. If only he could see it.

Mako is so selfish it is disgusting. Always wanting the people he cares about by his side, always trying to control their movements. He is no good for them. Not when he can't let them go.

_Fuck man, you're such a control freak!_

Hasook had seen right through him when he'd say that, maybe even more than he had known then. Mako's love is cage. By trying to protect people he smothers them. Bolin is a great exemple. He wouldn't go against every orders and advices Mako gives him just because he is stupid. Bolin isn't stupid. And he is such a sweet kid, everyone agrees on that. His actions can't be out of spite or a teenage rebellion against his controlling older brother.

The problem must be Mako.

And further proof of that is Iroh.

Iroh...

With the number of hours he and Master Katara have spent working on him Mako feels like he will never be able to call him General ever again. And, fact is, Iroh is going to leave him into someone else's care. Pretty logical to be honest. Iroh is a General and a Prince. He has his duties, both to his troops and his Nation. It would be laughable to ask him to stay for Mako. To put him first when they barely know each other. There is no way to justify slacking off in his duties for one basket case who tried to off himself by fire.

Once more, another example of Mako's selfishness.

But Iroh's touch ahs been the first one not to hurt in a long time. He fears contact, fears what hands on him will mean. But Iroh's touch is so light, feather-like, and there is a knidness in the way he takes Mako's hand in his own when he talks to him. As if he can see all the cracks in the soul standing in front of him, all the barely held-together pieces of Mako's fractured self.

Iroh expects nothing from him and isn't that a wonderful, unexpected feeling! He held him in the moments when it had been impossible for Mako to let anyone else approach him and there had been warmth in his voice and warmth in his arms. It had felt like something had been rekindled deep inside him.

When it is Iroh, Mako trembles under his touch but doesn't shy away.

With him, Mako doesn't feel quite as cold.

He know some of it is some kind of firebending trick, he is not dumb. But he also knows he can't let Master Katara touch him the way the Prince does. He has left himself open.

He fears it might have been a mistake.

If only he had not been such a failure, he wouldn't be in this hospital right now. He wouldn't be such a burden.

He' just be dead.

*

Korra is standind in the doorway.

She looks at him as if she has never seen him before and Mako wants to make her leave.

She'd made him feel when he had been a stone cold obot for years. He had feared the power she had over him. He doesn't, not anymore. His failure is hanging heavily on him. The knowledge of the weight he must be for them, the sheer guilt of imposing his sorry self on them blocks out any kind of other feeling. Why did she save him?

"Hey"

Her voice wavers, at a loss for words. Mako ought to feel some kind of pride. He finally got her to shut it. He feels nothing. Her presence isn't even an annoyance.

"I shouldn't have kiss you back" he blurts out, surprising them both.

"What?"

"I shouldn't have kiss you back" he repeats. " I knew Bolin fancied you. He always had an eye for pretty girls, and you're strong. He likes that."

For a moment it looks like Korra is going to explode right here and there, to scream at him until she is out of breath. The she takes a long inspiration, exhales and looks right into his eyes.

"I don't like Bolin. Not like that anyway. You can't forbid yourself things because you're afraid it's going to hurt him! What about you?"

 _Yes I can_ , he wants to tell her. He doesn't.

"There is no me. Bolin... Bolin was my reason to live. He was so small when our parents died, he needed me. It's my job to make sure he isn't hurt. Instead, **I** was the one to hurt him."

"Spirits'sake Mako! You're not perfect!"

Mako snorts at her explanation.

"Yeah, I gathered that one a long time ago actually."

Is it truly his voice, sounding so bitter and cynical? Korra grabs him by the shoulders and he flinches, violently. She let go as if burnt.

"Ok, ok, so... touch is still a no go."

He hates the way she sounds. Like she is talking to an injured beast that has gone feral. He knows he is a broken mess but does she really have to make it so **obvious**?!

"What are you doing here Korra?"

If he is a bit harsh, well no one calls him on it.

"I'm here because I want to help you! Because I never want to wake to a friend trying to kill himself and the scream of a mourning spirit ever again! because I care!"

"But I don't want you to! I don't want your care, or anyone else's for that matter!"

Another voice suddenly pipes up.

"Not even mine?"

Both Mako and Korra turn their head toward the newcomer. Like the Avatar before her, Asami stands in the doorway , her delicate hand still on the handle. Mako worries his lip, not able to look at her.

"Did you really love me?"

 _No_ , Mako wants to say. _Not because of you tough, but because there is nothing left in my heart._

"I thought I could... learn to love once more, maybe..." he says instead. Hasn't he caused enough pain already? "With you. You were... different. I thought I could bring myself to love you..."

"And I had the means to raise you **and** Bolin out of poverty."

She looks so sad standing there. The green of her eyes dimmed by her grief. Mako wonders when she started to understand him so well.

"Mako" her voice breaks. "I would have help you even if you'd rebuked my advances."

Would she? If there is one thing Mako has learnt, it is that nothing is free in this world. Before he realizes, Asami has pulled him in a light hug. His instincts are screaming at him to escape but he forces himself to stay still and accept it for what it is, Asami's way to show her affection. He feels like a fraud for it, but still dosen't move.

"I'm sorry I led you on. I ... don't feel much, in truth. About anything."

Of course Korra has to ruin it.

"You didn't seem so unfeeling when we were screaming at each other".

She is right, **of course.** But even he can recognize how bad they are to each other. How poisonous. They riled each other up in the worst way possible, animosity or rivalry staining half of their interactions. Asami stiffens in his arms and she finally let go. Mako is torn between the sweet relief of not being touched anymore and the dread starting to seep into his very bones at the reaction that Korra's comment might cause. Surprisingly, he is saved by Master Tenzin.

"There is no pride to take in pushing someone to anger Korra. Anger is easy, and fleeting. Not something you want to rely on if you desire to create a long-running and stable fire. Or a relationship."

Asami cough in her hand and Korra has the grace to look abashed, but the Master airbender carries on, elegantly ignoring the tension in the room.

"Ah, Mako. It is good to see you are getting better! Last time I was here you were still quite feverish. I am sorry I could not be here more often the last weeks. I had to take care of some... material issues. But everything has been sorted out now! We will be able to accomodate you as soon as you are released, which ought to be very soon from what I've heard. We are only waiting for the head healer's approval now."

"Oh, yeah... well... thanks."

Mako doesn't want to sound ungrateful, but this is too much. Too many people surrounding him and too many projects being made in his name. And what is this about material issues?

Master Tenzin is quick to reassure Asami of her welcome to Air Temple island anytime she wants to visit and he, Korra and Asami start discussion lodging plans. He stops participatiing and let their voices lull him into a sleepy state. He doesn't feel connected to their worries anyway.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. It took me some time before I had access to a computer to post the new chapter... But here it is. Enjoy!

At first, when the two brothers move back to Air Temple Island, Tenzin thinks they have time. Although his bandages have been removed for the most part and most of his scars have faded, Mako can hardly move on his own. Both a physical and a mind therapist are waiting for them on the island and they quickly put up a plan to start on Mako's recovery.

Tenzin should have known it was too easy.

Mako had let everyone move and act around him impassively for the last few weeks, as if he did not have the strength to fight their attention. No one had adressed the elephant in the room. The very big, very obvious elephant in the room.

He realizes his mistake the moment Ikky comes calling for him in a terrified shout, tears in her eyes. It doesn't take him long to arrive to the side of the island Mako's physical therapist has taken him for the day. His heart is in his throat when he sees his daughter, trembling but carefully lifting Mako back onto the island. Jinora's concentration breaks for a fraction of a second and he hears Bolin's cry when his brother plummets right back towards the sharp rocks at the foot of the cliff.

Oh, Great Spirit! Did the boy try to throw himself into the sea in front of his brother?!

Tenzin doesn't expect Bolin's anger. Yet, when his brother his firmly back on land the earthbender explodes, similar to a volcano's eruption. Grabbing Mako's collar and screaming bloody murder right in his face. There doesn't seem to be an end to his fury. Until Mako suddenly burst into tears, pushing the boy away. Fire sputters around Mako and he lets out an anguished howl.

Asami acts quickly, efficiently. The moment the fire threatens to expand she dons a gauntlet, jumps expertly over the firebender and zaps him at the base of his neck.

Mako falls like puppet without strings. Bolin doesn't react, his eyes are glued to his brother's form, incapable of moving on its own at the moment. Tenzin acts. In one swift movement he scoops the fallen man up and adresses the rest of the group.

"Korra, you and Asami take care of Bolin, get him back to the temple. Ikky, Jinora go find your mother. My apologies, Sho, but I am afraid we will have to cut this session short. I trust you will find your way back without difficulties?"

Sho, their therapist, nods and Tenzin departs, airbending its way to the temple. Mako's weight in his arms is not as heavy as his guilt.

*

When the mind therapist tell them that Mako's breakdown could be a good thing Bolin comes very close to throttle her. Kuna goes on about the changes she will have to make to their approach but Bolin doesn't care enough to listen to her, so focused he is on the burning pit that Mako's last attempt has opened in his belly. Tongues of fire are burning him from the inside and he feels so, so hot. Anger is threatening to consume him altogether, he is chocking on incomprehension and resentment.

Korragrips his hand hard, a solid support in the storm.

Bolin thinks he might well need the help of a mind therapist too now.

_disgusting mutt, freak, thief, streetrats, half-breed, stupid whore, pet, filthy little cur, rabbid beast_

He is caught in an endless loop of anger and hate, bursting at the seams with the venom of his pain. He is angry at everyone, he hates the word for doing this to his brother, he hates himself for not seeing but - worse than anything else - he is **angry** at Mako! And he hate himself so much for blaming his brother for lashing out, for wanting to end it, for... for being so selfish!

His guilt is going to kill him!

His heart still speeds up when he remembers Mako at the edge of the cliff.

They had convinced Sho to have a session outside, thinking that the fresh air would do Mako some good. It had all worked, at first. They'd wheeled his brother up to the cliff and had done some warm up with him and Sho. They had worked for a bit more than half an hour before deciding to take a break. Mako was still tiring easily and they could all see he was in pain. They'd sat down on the edge, chatting up and Master Tenzin's children had joined them.

And then... Then...

No one had spotted Mako's look of longing when turned towards the terribly shap rocks breaking through the ocean's surface below.

They'd all stand up to resume working and Mako had taken more time, he'd felt stiff and had complained about the pulling of his scars. Then...

Then...

His foot had slipped, Mako had lost his balance and ... he had... simply... let himself fall.

...

Bolin knows he needs help. He will talk to Kuna about it, he can't afford to act like a child now. If he can't control his emotions he will only endanger his brother's mental health further. Korra looks at him, so does Asami, and he manages a trembling smile. It looks like their vigil hasn't ended yet. Time for the tgree of them to go back on active surveillance duty.

*

"How are they?"

His wife's sweet voice brings him out of his thoughts. He stops watching Korra and her friends, all piled up in Mako's room, half asleep at the young man's side.

"As well as can be expected I'd say. They were very shaken I am afraid. And how are the children?"

Pema's face turns sad. Tenzin knows what she is thinking, how she had hoped to keep their children from truths as terrible as the fact that - sometimes - people are so hurt by the world around them that they do not feel they can go on any longer, not even when they are shown love and care.It is a frightening lesson for children of their ages.

"Not good. Jinora took it really hard. I think she was very frightened by the fact that she nearly dropped him."

"I will spend some time with them all tomorrow, and talk to them."

"I know you will" his wife's smile his beautiful in her understanding.

"I contacted Iroh. I felt like there was... some kinf of connection between him and Mako during his stay in the hospital. Something stronger than what Kuna has been avle to get out of Mako so far. I asked for his presence, if he is not to be deployed soon. He cares a lot about our young firebender, it is... uncanny."

"Is it, though, my love?"

Tenzin hums questioningly. He let his wife voices her ideas while preparing some hot milk for her. The day has been long and caring for four children is taking its toll on her. He helps her sit down and start massaging one of her swollen ankles.

"History books say a lot about brave deeds and History with a capital H. They talk a lot less about the struggles heroes have to battle with. But if one canr ead between the lines, there is a lot to find about the psychological struggles of both Prince Zuko and Princess Azula back during the Hundred Year War. Iroh may very well have felt a form of kinship with Mako, don't you think?"

"I think, that I have married one very smart and very compassionate woman." He tells her, mulling over her words. There might be more to it than mere kinship toward another broken member of the Fire Nation but Pema's deductions ring true. It is certainly a part of the pull Tenzin can feel between the two firebenders.

Another one could be the lack of attachment between the two of them. Iroh's actions and judgement aren't clouded by his emotions, contrary to Bolin, Korra or Asami. He did not need to take a step back and reconsider all he thought he knew about Mako. Not knowing him before his attempt has been a blessing in disguise. Iroh was not blinded by Mako's shields, he had immediately been faced with a suicidal teen.

Iroh's complete acceptance of the real Mako must have been liberating for the young firebender who had lost himself behind too many masks. Iroh had seen right through him, down to his very core. And he had not look away.

"You are exhausted dear. Why don't we call it a night?"

He stops in his ministrations to look at his wife. This ordeal, on top of the care a newborn requires, certainly isn't helping her get the rest she needs. Yet, here she stands, his very own pillar of strength.

"Yes, you are right."

He helps her stand up and together they find their way to their room in the dark, not wanting to risk waking anyone. His worries will have to wait. Tonight, they all need some rest.


	10. Chapter 10

Iroh's arrival is a wind of fresh air. His genuine interest in Mako's weel-being combined with a more matter-of-fact approach gives the rest of team Avatar a chance to relax and their vigil loosen.

When they see the impact of the General's presence on Mako, Tenzin and Pema begin to spend more time with him as well. Kuna thinks they have finally found the right strategy to reach Mako and she asks Tenzin if there are other people who care about Mako without having a close relationship with him.

He asks Lin to drop by to speak a bit with the kid. She grumbles and frowns all the way to the island but she comes, and she does talk with Mako. More than that, she spends even more time with him than Iroh when she is around. Neither she nor Mako reveal what happens during their meetings but they are both a bit lighter after their talks.

Korra's parents come to visit their daughter. Although Mako tries to make himself spare while they are here Senna sneaks up on him during his physical therapy. They talk about Korra, the rambunctious child she must have been and they compare child-rearing stories. Tenzin is sure he hears Bolin moans about the injustice of his brother sharing his most shameful moments to another and Korra starts to avoid the firebender. When Bolin flees the scene to escape more embarassing anecdotes in the middle of a session she kindly helps Mako back to his wheelchair. Senna and Tonraq don't stay long but they leave Korra ready to take on the world once again.

All this bonding with other parental figures seems to finally pierce through Mako's armor.

Of course, it doesn't make his recovery an easy one, nor is it a definite one. It take some times for all of them to understand what it means. To fully grasp the truth of Mako's illness.

Mako is never going to be cured. There is no miracle healing possible for him. Not even purifying his soul could completely take away the sadness that has been eating away at him for all these years. His trauma is huge and slapping Band-Aids here and there won't make it go away. But with support, and people willing to listen to him, Mako might just be alright.

It takes time and work. The firebender is on his feet and able to run long before he has the courage to confide his fears and doubts to someone. He is back to bending long before he opens up to his brother. But they all learn with him. Iroh and Kuna teach team Avatar how to read one's body language and how they can express themselves by dozen different ways, none of which includes speech.

They grow up beside Mako, coming into adulthood little by little, catching up with their stranded firebender.

It is a tough job for Mako, learning to see his brother and friend as people he doesn't always has to protect. To work past his blocks and his inability to communicate. Guilt, resentment and unsaids seep into them all before they begin to see the sun once more.

Mako tries to take his life a third time before they manage to make a breakthrough with him. He is reading inside when he hears the sound of broken glass and finds Bolin and Meelo sheepsihly looking at a broken vase. He shoos them out, intending to clean it up, but he ends up slashing one of his wrist. Tenzin is by his side before he can do the same to the other one.

This time Mako doesn't fight it when they heal him. They all sleep in his room that night and if he buries himself deep against them to leech some of their heat, no one says anything. The following week they introduce a pajama party rule, setting up a rotation schedule for the hosting room.

Iroh starts teaching him new forms of firebending and Mako has never felt so good when using his fire. He takes up fire healing again, happy to focus on the one part of firebending he is not conflicted about. Bolin is ecstatic and Iroh says something about wanting to take Mako see the Sun Warriors one day, which has Korra going green with envy when she hears about it.

His relationship with Tenzin improves, the airbender coming to him for advices as much as Mako starts relying on him. He knows the Master will be honest with him, and he needs it more than any coddling. If he doesn't leave his children in Mako's care too often it is not out of fear for what he could do in front of them anymore but because he understands that Mako became a caretaker by force, and not by choice. Because he is good with children doesn't automatically means he wants to be the one caring for them and Tenzin will not put him in a situation he might not feel comfortable with.

Kuna has Mako working on positive thinking and safety plans. With Iroh he challenges his communication skills, the General trying to impart to Mako the importance of reaching out when he feels like a relapse is on the way. Their greatest challenge comes when they have to make him understand that he needs to do things for himself from time to time.

This leaves Mako at a loss about what to do. Up until very recently his mind- and tim-consuming worry had been food and how to make ends meet by the end of the month. He dosen't know what to do for fun. For all that he lvoes fire healing, general firebending on the other hand is something he clearly sees as survival skills. Necessary, but not necessarily welcome. Not a big surprise there, Mako was - and will forever remain - a first hand witness as to what kind of damage firebending can cause.

It takes time for Mako to find himself. Both who he is and who he wants to be. He finds in himself the strength to unlock his feeling and face years of abuse and self-loathing, of starvation and fear and helplessness. Surrounded by his loved one he goes on to face his demons and if he stumbles along the way, his family is here to catch him.

The biggest change that takes place is between he and Asami. Where bitterness could have lingered a beautiful friendship flourish. One based on an equal desire to discover what the other has to offer. Their dry sense of humour and their more responsible mindset soon have them thick as thieves and plotting mischief against the youngest members of their group. Much to Korra's and Bolin's chagrin.

When Iroh makes good on his promise and ask Mako to accompany him to the fFire Nation, they all know that their future is looking brighter. Then come the day they all bod goodbye to Tenzin and his family, leaving Air Temple Island a lot calmer, if a bit sad at their departure.

The next time Tenzin sees Mako is in Republic City, where he proudly wears his cop uniform.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally... this story is finished. Hat a journey, especially at the end! I have been trying to post the last chapter for a while but couldn't find the time, life has become quite hectic!
> 
> So... the main story is done. I did have a few other ideas but I haven't been able to put them in writing so far so... who knows. Maybe one day there will be a bit more to this work.


End file.
